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Seems like there is something that always turns out to be true about ideas. You plan the whole thing out, it works in your mind, and it even comes through in real life, but then it stops. You quit. Not because the idea sucked or even that you didn’t have the ability or potential to make it happen, but because you quit. The worst part is, everything reminds you of it. You walk outside and see a partially raked yard or what was supposed to be just a Saturday project and they both wound up being little reminders that you’re irresponsible. Funny part about it is that some people aren’t like that with tasks. Maybe you’ll finish the work but it isn’t worth it to take the time afterwards and spend it with someone. A lot of the time you don’t even think that counts as a necessary part of life. Human interaction is necessary and even enjoyable, but not a priority. Still others will take care of both of these. The only problem is when that doesn’t leave room for any dreams. I’ll finish the yard, spend time with family and friends after the work is done, and do that exact same thing over and over for the rest of my life, fully secure in the fact that I have performed my duty as a responsible individual. Whether or not it has anything to do with what I’m passionate about is irrelevant. These people all have the same inescapable human tendency: Apathy. Sure, it may take different forms depending on how you’re wired, but it’s always the same issue. We have something that we know is wrong, but whether we’re too driven, too brainwashed, or just too lazy, we either ignore it or deny it. If there is any acknowledgment of said issue, it is soon erased by daily operation and routine. Not a bad thing to have, routine, unless that’s all there is. When I walk outside of my house, everything reminds me of how I’ve got one too many issues with myself and my lifestyle. I step outside at six thirty in the morning having not yet been to sleep and having just greeted my father as he leaves for church. Why do I step outside? To smoke a cigarette. Issue one: My health sucks because I am addicted to Nicotine. I keep walking and I see the afore mentioned piles of leaves that are still looking rather lonely next to the sea of un-raked leaves that surrounds them. Issue two: I suck at being responsible. I glance at my truck, which is parked outside the fence because convenience is more important to a lazy individual than the safety of a driveway, and I notice the shape that it’s in. My father went to a lot of trouble to get me a vehicle that I would enjoy and that would be reliable for me when I drove the nearly nine hours to and from school. My recklessness resulted in break dust, leaves all over the grill, unbalanced wheels, stained interior, and various little dents and scratches on the surface. Issue three: I’m reckless with something someone gave to me, trusting me to take good care of it. I figure since I’m already looking deeper than I should into everything, why not keep going. On my car, there are a number of different stickers. Many deal with my fraternity. Issue four: I put off everything that I do at school until a week after the last minute. Has nothing to do with whether I care about it or not. I put off things that I should be doing with my fraternity just as often as I do with schoolwork. I act like school isn’t important even though the thing I want most in life is to be a professor. Last time I checked, getting into graduate school has a lot to do with that. Another large number of my stickers deal with surfing. This is something that I absolutely love to do; however, I’m nowhere near as experienced or talented as I make myself out to be. Issue five: I say things, whether they’re true or not, so that I portray the person I desire to be and not the person I am. What’s worse is that I want to portray myself as someone who isn’t concerned with others’ opinions on my attitude, actions, or beliefs. Does anyone smell a hypocrite? One of the last stickers I see is for a head shop. My culture sees things differently than a lot of people assume. Independence, Expression, Freedom, Art, Music; all of these are buzz words in my generation. It’s not like we meant to share views with people from earlier years but sometimes things work out that way. Anyway, I notice that all of the words that come to mind about my culture and what I am passionate about, are also things that I want to be known for. I want to be an Expressive, Intellectual, Coffee Drinking, Musical, Artsy, Well Read and World-Minded Thinker. My mind is already on my irresponsibility so I start checking off things that matter to me but I don’t do anything about. The more I dwell on it the more I understand the concept. I mean not really in a “This statement will hold water in every situation” kind of way, but more in a “I understand why I get so frustrated with myself all of the time” kind of way. I love to read, I love to write, I love to discuss whatever it is that I’m talking about. I love to make statements that people remember. I love, I love, I love….I hate when I catch myself saying things that contradict my “beliefs.” The concept is this: There are plenty of people who do what’s good, plenty of people who do what’s bad, and even more who debate about what really is good and bad and what right I have to distinguish between them. However, my little self-analysis/world around me-analysis has convinced me that they all have something in common: Apathy. They all have something, somewhere that they would change if it meant more to them than discomfort, effort, or awkwardness. We don’t want to have to do anything. We want to seek out self comfort and avoid the contrary. I’m the worst of them all. No big though right? I’ll forget about it tomorrow. -T. A. Whatley |
